Wedding Bells

EVERYONE is getting married...at least most of the people I know. Now, having attended Concordia University for four years I would have thought that I was used to the idea of people either getting engaged or married left and right. WRONG. The reality really hit me for the first time this weekend. My good friend Phil got married this weekend and I was blessed with the privilege of being invited as well as being able to attend (I wasn't planning on being in CA this long, but it all worked out). It was so awesome to see one of my best friends go through something like that. Many of my friends have also gotten engaged recently, some to people that will work out, and others that I fear won't. At any rate, they're at least engaged. They've at least gotten to the point where they have someone to call their own. I, however, am alone right now and I fear (however irrational it may be) that this trend will continue. Personal issues seem to limit my more intimate relationships to some extent.

On top of all this, one of my "ex's" was at the wedding I attended this weekend. We are still friends, but she is engaged and, although I am happy for her that she has found someone to be with, I can't help but compare myself to her fiance or our relationship to theirs. It's as if people around me are moving on in life while I am being left in the dust. I am beginning to think that some issues of mine may be more simple to let go of than I am making them. I was at Borders today perusing the Christian section and I found a book by Max Lucado entitled "Traveling Light." It was about not going through life carrying unnecessary burdens around. I feel that I am so desperately clinging to some things that I just don't need to be carrying along. At the same time, it's all I've known and it's hard to put behind me.

Will I find someone? Will I be "alone"? Will the rest of the world continue to pass me by while I cling to the past and what's familiar? These are questions that I don't expect answers to, at least not immediately. Just ponderings that hang out in my mind.

Music

So today i realized one of the sources for the recent funk in which I have found myself. Since graduation I have BARELY spent any time making music. In fact, my musical involvement and development severely diminished after giving my senior recital at the end of March. Today I made the trek back down to Irvine to practice organ in the CU Center. It ended up being a great time. Dr. Busch gave me three books of music to peruse by myself and then came out later to show me some things about the music he had given to me. It was such a splendid afternoon. I miss the hours I would spend in the practice rooms and today was a nice taste of good music making. I have also recently gotten involved with the Youth praise band at Salem Lutheran Church in Orange. Their normal leader was out of town and decided to call me to see if I could help them out for this weekend. Seeing as how I'm SOOOOO busy right now <> I said, "Sure, why not." The kids are actually pretty good, they just need a bit of guidance in how to be more musical. I actually thoroughly enjoyed "teaching" them how to play together as an ensemble rather than a bunch of different instrumentalists trying to drown each other out. Plain and simple, I need to get into a situation where I can have a piano around me so that I can make it a part of my daily routine.

On a different note, thanks to everyone for your kind words and prayers. In no way am I looking for pity by posting some of these things, but thank you for your encouragement. Your words mean a lot to me and is truly using you to speak to me. My pillow is beckoning. Adieu.

Sunrise

So, I've done some thinking today...or rather this evening. Life right now seems to be in shambles and very uncertain. It's to the point where I'm fighting off depression and uncharacteristic bouts of anger that have nothing to do with anything except the underlying problem of my "limbo status" in life. Seriously, I'm not an angry person (bitter, maybe), but I yelled at NOTHING in the car today on my way to a rehearsal. If you know anything about me you'll be aware that Nichole Nordeman is my favorite Christian singer/songwriter. She has a song called "Sunrise" that recently hit home with my soul. I got to thinking: "Maybe life's uncertainties at this point are just a 'midnight' that I'm going through. Maybe Jesus is giving me this period of darkness so that I may later appreciate more fully a sense of contentedness and of being settled." Just a thought. Here's the lyrics.

"Sunrise" by Nichole Nordeman; from the album "Recollection: Greatest Hits"

If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story

I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Every valley
Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill And find that…

(Chorus)
You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You’re my horizon
You’re the light of a new dawn
So thank you, thank you
That after the long night, you are sunrise

There’s a moment when
Faith caves in
There’s a time when every soul is certain God is gone

But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us

(Chorus)

You alone will shine
You alone can resurrect this heart of mine

(Chorus)

You are sunrise

God, help me...

The Result of My Boredom

So this is the first real "blog" that I've ever done. I had no real idea to do this until one of my friends said that she had done it. It's okay I guess, seeing as how I have a lot of time on my hands these days.

I just recently graduated from college about two weeks ago, and while I am excited about being done with my college days, I am a little disheartened and lost as well. Life came to a very abrupt halt with the events of graduation. I now find myself living at my sister's house in Orange, CA with her and her three roommates. This would be all well and good, but I've been here for about a week and a half and I fear that my presence is wearing thin with the rest of the roommates. They have not said anything to confirm these fears of mine, but even still I feel as if I am in the way. I hate feeling as if I am a burden or a nuisance. With graduation came the feeling of being homeless. I really have nowhere else to go at this point.

Part of the reason that I am still in CA after graduation is because I am waiting to find placement at a church somewhere in the country. I majored in music and I intend to work for the church, but so far nothing substantial or fitting has come through. I believe that God is working and I know something will turn up that is better than anything I could have expected, but the time and patience it will take to get to that point is the difficult part. Thankfully I have many friends and family who are supporting me through it all.

I went to Disneyland today and it ended up being the perfect day to go. There were literally NO crowds. I walked on to Space Mountian with a 10 minute wait....un-freakin-real. The weather was great and I had a fun day, plain and simple. Maybe that's what God is doing, giving me time to relax and enjoy before the stress and craziness of life sets in.